Duo's Grief for Quatre     Chapter 8

All was Quiet in the Winner Household, except for a storm that had been raging outside for almost an hour. 

A loud clap of thunder finally woke Duo from what seemed like an eternal sleep. Sally sat quietly at the table in the corner of his room reading under a dim lamp. The storm outside had been raging for nearly an hour.
Duo tiredly rubbed his hands over his face, then gave a quiet groan, as he suddenly realised how much his head was hurting.

On seeing Duo awake, Sally put her book face down on the table and walked over to him. 
"How do you feel?", she asked, perching on the edge of the bed, Reaching over and feeling his brow. 

"Ughh! My head is thumping like crazy", was the tired reply.

Sally smiled, "You've been asleep for almost fourteen hours", she replied.

Duo looked at her with some degree of disbelief. 

"Don't worry about the headache, It'll take about an hour to wear off".

She reached over to a glass of water on the bedside table.  She pulled from her top pocket a small bottle of pills and proceeded to drop a couple of them into the water.  Once they had dissolved, she offered the Glass to Duo.

"Here, Drink this", she said. 

Duo tiredly shifted so he was sitting up, 
"What is it?", he asked, Looking at the cloudy water.

"Painkillers, for the headache" she replied, "Tastes like rats pee, but it'll do you good, She smiled. 

Duo winced as he gulped the liquid down in one go. 

"EEUUGGHH!  You weren't kidding were you!", he gasped, pulling a face like he's just eaten a lemon.

Another crack of thunder shook the whole house.  Rain was hammering at the windowpane.  Duo could see it was almost dark outside. 

He leaned back against the headboard of the bed, sighing. Slowly the memories of what happened earlier in the day were coming back to him. 

"S....sal?", he asked slowly, "Any news on Quatre?"
Sally looked at him compassionately, gently shaking her head from side to side. She could sense the torment still going through his mind, painfully tearing away at his soul.
She felt so badly for him. Her need to help end his pain was overwhelming, yet she knew this waiting game could only play out by itself.

"Trowa is at the hospital right now, he will call if there are any changes", she said.
"He and Wufei are keeping a bedside vigil until Quatre wakes up. They're doing it in shifts.

Duo nodded, "That's an good idea", he commented, "I should join in and do a shift myself."

He paused for a moment.
"So where's Wufei and Heero?" he asked.

"Wufei is resting in his room. He's been at the hospital all day, Trowa went to take over from him a couple of hours ago when I got here.  Heero is gone, nobody knows where."

Duo mulled on her words for a moment. 
"Sal?", he asked calmly.
Sally looked him in the eye.
"I seem to be thanking you a lot lately, ... you know,...." his voice was appreciative. 

Sally smiled and reached her hand out, gently brushing his sweaty hair out of his eyes with her fingers.
"Hey, it's the least I can do, especially after all you've done for me in the past, anyway, you should be thanking Trowa, he's been here all day looking after you".

"Really?", asked Duo in a surprised tone.

"Yes, he didn't actually say it, but I think he's been quite worried about you, especially after this morning."

Duo nodded slowly, 
"I am so lucky to have friends like you guys", he uttered through a thankful sigh, as the memories of earlier came flooding back again. 
"I will thank him when I get the chance"




It was late evening at the monastery.  Heero stood at the main gate with Fumio looking out across the green-forested valley reaching out below them towards the vibrant orange and red sky where the sun had recently set.  His experience in the temple earlier had been more beneficial than he had anticipated, and he felt a lot more settled about things. Despite the peace he felt there, he also felt a strong need to return to the mansion. He had been out of touch for most of the day and was uncomfortable with not knowing if there had been any developments concerning Quatre. 

Fumio was looking sad, he looked up at his brother with glazed eyes, Heero knew he really didn't want him to go. Heero himself was reluctant to leave, for the whole day, he had been at peace, able to breathe without the instinctive need to dodge bullets or destroy anything. All day he had been feeling that sense of calm that he so rarely got to experience, amplified by the warmth of having his brother, his only family, with him.

"Do you really have to go now Heero?", asked Fumio, "You know you can stay." There was almost a tone of pleading in Fumio's voice. He hated this part of Heero's visits.
Heero sighed; he so much wanted to say he could stay. He didn't reply verbally, but looked at Fumio with whatever compassion his programmed soldier eyes could muster. 

Fumio knew Heero had no choice.

Heero looked away, and stared back out across to the orange sky, Dark thundery clouds were beginning to loom in from the East. 
"Fumio,", he said Quietly, seemingly pondering something heavy on his mind.
Fumio looked up.
"The war is almost certain to end very soon, it may be just a matter of days,.. if that happens,.. then the Gundams and their pilots will no longer be needed, ... I will be out of a job."

"Then you can come and visit again?", interrupted Fumio excitedly.

Heero looked back down at his brother. He nodded.
"If it's ok, I would like to visit again, and,...  this time,... spend more time here," his voice became hesitant for moment as a slight smile slowly appeared on his face.  "Maybe....   Maybe live here for a while? At least until I have decided what to do with my life." he suggested.

A huge grin appeared on Fumio's face as he nodded enthusiastically. 
"Yes Heero, Yes!. I will arrange it for you," he replied excitedly.

"Then I will see you again very soon", Heero lifted his small ruc-sack onto his shoulder as he prepared to start his journey back to the mansion. 

Seeing his brother ready to leave, Fumio's could feel the sadness inside growing. He reached into his pocket and produced another khata scarf. He unravelled it and held it out looking at his brother with almost tearful eyes.

Heero returned the look with what seemed like equal sadness.

Heero smiled slightly as they bowed and Fumio placed the scarf over his neck. Without forewarning, Fumio's small frame reached up and hugged his brother tightly, pressing the side of his tearful face against Heero's shoulder. 

Heero was a little surprised. 
"Fumio has never done that before", he noted to himself.  He was unsure quite how to react, but in his own sadness, he found himself reaching forward and returning the hug.  

Their embrace seemed to last a good thirty seconds before they finally broke. Heero still had his hand on Fumio's shoulder as a loud clap of thunder shook the valley.
Heero scanned the dull, almost dark sky with his eyes.
"You'd better get under cover, it'll rain soon," he suggested calmly.
Fumio nodded silently, his eyes still saddened and slightly wet from his tears.

"Goodbye brother, I'll return soon, I promise," said Heero, giving Fumio's shoulder a final squeeze before turning and walking away.

Fumio stood watching as Heero slowly walked down the road away from the monastery, eventually disappearing around the curve of the road and into the darkness.
"Goodbye Heero,... my Brother," he said softly to himself.


Some four hours later the front door of the Winner mansion opened and Heero stepped in. Tired, wet and cold he walked into the drawing room to sit beside the fire and warm up a little. 
His mind was awash with thoughts of recent events. He was glad he had seen Fumio, and he decided it was a good decision to go to the monastery. The warm welcome he had received went a long way to easing his silent-felt pain over Quatre. Just being able to share his anguish with someone he implicitly trusted was a blessing, a weight off his shoulders. 

He slumped into the armchair facing the huge mantle-piece, then leaned forward, taking the brass poker from its stand, and proceeded to stoke the fire, trying to increase the heat. 

"Heero?, is that you?" came a voice from behind him.

Duo stood in the doorway of the room. He had pretty well recovered from his thumping headache earlier and was actually preparing to go to the hospital to relieve Trowa from watching over Quatre. Sally had left about an hour previous once she was happy that Duo was ok. 

Heero stood up and turned to face the door

"Hey buddy!", said Duo in his instinctive chirpy voice, "where ya been?", he asked.

Heero was hesitant for a moment,
"I had to take care of some business," was the dry reply.

"Is that a Khata scarf?", asked Duo in a surprised tone, pointing to the scarf around Heero's neck.

Heero looked down at the Khata. He'd forgotten he was wearing it.  He reached his hand up and tenderly held it, his mind wandering back to thoughts of the monastery.

"You been to a monastery?", asked Duo.

Again. Heero was hesitant.
"It's just a scarf," he replied dryly. 
"Is there any news on Quatre?", he asked, quickly changing the subject.

Duo suddenly looked serious.  He entered the room and closed the door behind him, making his way over to stand beside Heero.

"Er.. actually there is", he replied

Duo went on to explain about their bedside vigil, and that he was about to leave for the hospital to take over from Trowa. 

Heero nodded in agreement to the idea

Duo hesitated, then swallowed nervously. He realised he was going to have to be the one to tell Heero the bad news.

"Actually Heero, There's more, and it's not good I'm afraid". 

"What do you mean?" asked Heero

Duo gestured towards the chair that Heero had sat in moments earlier, "You'd better sit down", he suggested.

Heero complied, as Duo pulled up a small chair and sat opposite him.

"What has happened Duo?", asked Heero urgently.

Duo wasn't sure the best way to go about telling him, but did his best.

"Heero, do you remember loaning your laptop to Trowa to investigate the crash?"

Heero Nodded

"Well, He turned up more than just crash Data". 

"How do you mean?", asked Heero

Duo put his hand up to prevent Heero asking more questions , 
"I'm getting to it, just bear with me".

Duo went on to explain Trowa's method of investigation before popping for the bad news. As he spoke, his voice wavered slightly with sadness.

"I'm afraid to say Heero, but, it was no accident..... All the evidence points to the theory that Quatre was trying to take his own life". 



A numbed silence hung over the room. Heero stared blankly into the fire, his mind trying to get a grip on what Duo had just told him. His face contorted, suddenly etched with the look of disaster, disbelief, and inner panic.

Duo stayed silent for a moment, observing Heero's reaction as well as his own. 

 "You ok Heero?", he asked in a slightly concerned tone.

Heero looked at Duo, his face still etched with disbelief.  He could tell Heero wanted to say something, but all he managed was to squeak a rather high pitched
"But,... But....Why?"

Duo could see Heero trying to fathom the complexity of the reactions going on inside his head and the obvious torment that came with it. Despite his observations, Duo was still unsure how he would react to the news.  Heero's feelings were something nobody ever got to see. Just how he felt about the people he knew always remained a guarded secret.

Many times in the past, early on, Duo had thought that Heero was actually not capable of any kind of emotion or feelings. A number of times he remembered actually feeling sorry for him, believing that he was missing out on an important part of life. But more recently, Duo had spotted little signs, small seeds of compassion that indicated Heero did have feelings, only deeply suppressed ones.

Heero stood up and began slowly pacing around in front of the large fireplace. His mind was in confusion, there was a real battle going on inside his head.  The soldier instincts were battling it out with the profound sadness that he was feeling.
 He had been feeling sadness since the crash, but it was as if Duo's news had given that sadness huge reinforcements, and the battle was about to take a new turn. 

Heero continued pacing around, and then suddenly stopped in front of a glass cabinet mounted on the wall besides the chimney.  As he looked into the cabinet, his expression turned to a deep sadness.  Perched before him between a couple of flutes and spare bows, sat Quatre's cherished violin.  

Heero slowly turned the key to the cabinet door and opened it. He reached in and ran his fingers tenderly over the strings as memories of the past came flooding back to him. He recalled the first time he heard Quatre play it accompanied by Relena on the piano. It was one of the most moving things he had ever heard. How he could make it sound so pleasing was a mystery, it was as if he and the violin were one. No one else could ever come close to getting such beautiful sounds out of it.   Heero recalled whenever he observed Quatre playing it, he always had his eyes shut, as if savouring every moment of every note. It was like it was a part of him. 
As he reminisced, a sad, solo violin played inside Heero's mind as he visualised Quatre playing it. With those thoughts, the sadness suddenly became too much.

A single tear welled in each eye as he gently closed the cabinet door and locked it. His emotions were building; he could feel a great sadness tugging at his gut. He urgently wanted to be alone.

"I'm going to bed", he uttered quietly his voice wavering slightly, trying to disguise his distress from Duo by facing away from him, and heading for the door.

"You gonna be ok Heero?" asked Duo compassionately, knowing full well what was up with Heero.

Heero could only manage a brief nod before the choking sadness made him blub. He quickly closed the door behind him before running up the stairs to his room. 

Duo sat forward in the chair, his elbows resting on his knees.  He wondered if he should go after Heero, but decided that it would probably be best to leave him alone.  After seeing Heero upset, Duo too was feeling sad again. He decided to head for the hospital to relieve Trowa of his vigil shift, hoping the fresh, still thundery, night air would calm him.
A few minutes later, the main door clicked shut as Duo began his journey.



Wufei awoke from a haunting sleep. It had been several hours since he returned from the hospital after Trowa had relieved him from his shift of watching over Quatre. He sat up and noticed the book he was reading earlier had fallen on the floor. He remembered he had just sat on the bed to read but must have fallen asleep almost instantly. 

He looked at the clock; it was nearly one in the morning. He got up and washed his face in the small hand basin in the corner of the room, trying to refresh himself.  As he patted his face dry with the large white towel, he began to have thoughts of the other pilots.
He wondered if Duo had woken up yet after being sedated, and pondered on what state of mind he might be in. He wondered if Sally was still there, or if Heero had returned from wherever he had disappeared to. He decided to try to find out what was happening.

He went downstairs to see if anyone was around, He noticed Sally's transport was gone so he assumed that she was not there. Without finding anyone, he headed back upstairs to Duo's room. He knocked several times.  With no reply, he opened the door and poked his head in expecting to find Duo still zonked out, but the room was empty.

"Maybe Heero is back", he thought to himself, closing Duo's door and heading further down the corridor towards Heero's room.
As he approached the door, he could hear Heero's voice, he was sobbing. 

Surprised, and slightly shocked, he gently tapped on the door
"Heero?.... you OK?", he called quietly.

Suddenly the sobbing was silenced. Wufei waited for an answer, but after about a minute, there still was none.

"Heero?" asked Wufei again, simultaneously knocking again.

There was a long pause.

"Go away!" was the eventual, monotone, subdued response.

Wufei was hesitant, he wasn't sure how to respond, he wanted to help if he could. He knocked quietly on the door again,

"Heero, I know you are upset, ... but I just want you to know that it's totally ok,... We won't think any less of you." suggested Wufei quietly.

He waited for a response, but Heero did not reply. Wufei was unsure if Heero was listening or not, but took it as a cue to continue.

"Actually Heero, we've all got a little upset today."

Again, no response.

Wufei hesitantly continued,  "In fact, If it helps you to know this,....  although I guess he will kill me for telling you,.. but,... Duo got so upset earlier,.... Sally had to sedate him."

There was a brief pause, before Wufei heard footsteps approach the door. There was a pause, then a loud click as the door was suddenly unlocked, then the footsteps walked back into the room.  Wufei took it as a cue that it was ok to go in.  He hesitantly opened the door and slowly entered the room.

It was dark, none of the lights were on and the only source of light was coming from the moonlight through the window, and the occasional flash of lightening, as the curtains were not drawn. Heero was perched on a chair looking out of the window across the grounds towards the lake and mountains beyond.

"You ok Heero?", he asked once again.

Heero seemed to ignore Wufei's question and asked one of his own. "Tell me about Duo," said Heero, "Is he ok?" he asked still staring out of the window.

"I was hoping you could tell me that," replied Wufei perching on the bed, I can't find him.

"I saw him about an hour ago" replied Heero, "He told me about the vigil you are keeping on Quatre, he was going to the hospital to relieve Trowa"

"How was he?", asked Wufei.

"He looked fine," replied Heero, finally turning to look at Wufei, "Yet I knew something was wrong, he seemed a little,... distant."

Wufei nodded, "I think it will take time for him to get over this."

"You say he was sedated?", asked Heero in a tone of slight disbelief and concern, "How upset must someone be to need sedating?"

Wufei gave a sigh, "you have no idea do you", he said rhetorically.

"He told me about Quatre's ,...  suicide attempt", Heero was hesitant.

"Well, since that very tragic discovery, there has been a great deal of upset. Duo, Trowa, Sally, myself included, and now, by the looks of things, you too." Wufei gave a half smile, as if what he said was funny.

Heero nodded, "It is very sad and upsetting news, I agree, but why did Duo have to be sedated? Surely he couldn't have been that bad?"

"We've all had a hard time with this news, particularly Duo, he took the news very badly. He became violently ill, and eventually delusional, sedation was the only way to help him. Even Trowa lost his breakfast over it."

Heero felt a strange sense of comfort from knowing he was not alone in his upset about Quatre. For the past hour his mind had been regularly returning to the thoughts of the violin and the sadness he had associated with it.  He began to think how tragic it would be if he never got to hear that wonderful, moving music again.  The thoughts were periodically coming back to bother him, each time causing him to be overcome with grief.  He could feel the sadness coming back once more.  He started to feel uncomfortable knowing Wufei was there. He went quiet, continuing to stare out of the window, uncertain of how to disguise the tears if they started again. 
Sure enough, right on cue, the image of Quatre standing playing the violin filled his mind. He tried to think of something else, but the sweet music playing in his head drew him back to the image. He could feel himself ready to go. He was frozen to the chair in fear and embarrassment.  He turned his face away from Wufei and brought his hand up to his face, nervously pinching the top of his nose, trying to catch the tears before they had a chance to run down his face. 
The sweet, moving music played over and over in his mind, the image of Quatre standing beside the piano, his eyes closed, putting his heart and soul into creating the hauntingly beautiful sounds that came from his violin. The background feelings of such beauty being snuffed out like a candle. The visions were relentless, unforgiving, and torturous. Suddenly Heero felt Wufei's hand on his shoulder.

"Don't fight it Heero," he whispered, crouching besides the chair.

As the images bombarded Heero's mind, he could fight the feelings no longer. He blubbed out loud, slumping forward. The sense of loss and emptiness he felt, symbolised by the music no longer heard, was overwhelming. He no longer felt embarrassed at Wufei being there, he was surprised at the compassion he was showing, it made him feel more at ease as the waves of high emotion took control of his mind and body. 


He cried for about ten minutes before the images in his mind finally allowed him to recompose himself. Wufei stayed with him the whole time, offering what support he could. 

Finally, Heero spoke
"I got to admit, Wufei, I'm a little surprised at you", he said

"How do you mean?", asked Wufei.

"Well, you always used to be such a cold son of a bitch!", replied Heero in slight jest, "You've changed". He pointed his finger at Wufei.

Wufei smiled.
"I have learned a lot in the last couple of days, I hope it is for the better."

"I think it is", replied Heero, nodding.

Wufei smiled again, "Get some sleep Heero, You'll feel better in the morning", He suggested, "then perhaps we could both do a shift on the vigil tomorrow". 
Heero nodded in agreement.

Wufei turned to leave. As he reached the door, Heero called him.
"Wufei!" 
Wufei Turned round.

Heero stood up, 
"I'm,... I'm glad I can call you Friend" Heero took a long, respectful bow towards his friend.

Wufei, slightly moved by the gesture, returned the bow, then silently left the room.



Finally completed on 15th July 2001 after a month of writers block!
How am I doing so far? My E-mail is sbl@tesco.net

Chapter 9 on the way soon