Duo's Grief for Quatre     Chapter 7

Trowa stood on the gravel driveway near to the main entrance steps, watching the green ambulance drive away.  Sally's arm waved out of the open drivers window, he gave a subdued wave back.  She had to return to the hospital, but had left him with instructions on what to do about Duo when he woke up. 

When the ambulance had disappeared, Trowa walked around to the rear of the building and into the gardens in an attempt to find Wufei.  

The grounds were large. Well kept, with many features including a maze, tiered and sunken gardens, and a huge two hundred year old elm tree. A large lake nestled in the semi-forested field on the far side of the vast lawn.  Trowa could see a distant figure dressed in white stood motionless at the lake edge. It was Wufei.

After a long walk, Trowa stood beside him.  Wufei was stood with his eyes closed, facing out across the lake towards the small, tree filled island in its centre.  On sensing Trowa arrive, he opened his eyes and glanced sideways.
Trowa said nothing, just nodded. Wufei nodded back.

"Have you seen Heero?" asked Trowa quietly

Wufei closed his eyes and faced back towards the lake again. 

"Heero is not here," Replied Wufei, still with his eyes closed, "Apparently left this morning"

Trowa also looked out across the lake, spotting a Heron fishing on the bank of the island.

"You know where he's gone?" he asked.

Wufei shook his head, "I'm sure he will not have gone far, or for long."

Trowa nodded in agreement.

  There was a long pause as both boys continued to look out across the lake. There was something strangely calming about being there. The warmth of the bright sun beating down on them, the gracefulness of the Swans swimming by, tending their signets. The stillness of the air, the sound of the water gently lapping the shore and banks.

Trowa took a breath, the question on his mind was nagging at him to be asked. 
He sighed.
"So, do we tell him?" He asked directly.

Wufei knew exactly what Trowa was referring to. He opened his eyes, turning to face Trowa. After a brief pause, he nodded. 

"I can't see any good coming from keeping him in the dark," he replied.

Trowa nodded.
"I agree, but I think it should stop with just the four of us, for Quatre's sake," suggested Trowa.

Wufei Nodded. He understood what Trowa was concerned about, that everybody knowing about the suicide attempt could potentially be very damaging to Quatre during his recovery.

Wufei, hesitated for a moment, and then looked at Trowa, his face more serious.

"Trowa, Something occurred to me a while ago".

Trowa looked back, enquiring what it was.

"We don't know how determined Quatre was to succeed in killing himself. I just thought that if he woke up," Wufei became hesitant, "what's to say,.... he wouldn't try to finish the job,..... and maybe try it again?".

Trowa closed his eyes, biting his bottom lip.
"Damn!, I hadn't thought of that", he cussed, suddenly becoming concerned.

"He could be waking at any time", said Wufei, adding a feeling of more urgency to the potential situation. "I think perhaps, it might be a good idea for at least one of us to keep an eye on him from now on," he suggested.
 
"You mean a kind of bedside vigil," asked Trowa rhetorically, nodding in enthusiastic agreement, "I guess we could all do shifts".

Wufei agreed, "I guess I should go first," he suggested, turning and starting to walk back towards the mansion. "You take care of Duo as Sally instructed you, I will call if there is any change in Quatre's condition."

Trowa remained standing on the lake bank, watching Wufei walk away.
"I'll let Heero know what's happening when he gets back and arrange for one of us to swap with you as soon as we can," he called back.

Wufei raised his hand in agreement, and began his walk to the hospital.





The monastery was fairly devoid of people, apart from a handful of monks and a few local people who had come to pray or tend the grounds.  It was a magnificent building.
It could be seen from the nearest town over three miles away, its bright red painted woodwork and black roofs nestling in the forested foothills leading to the huge, snowy mountain range beyond.  

Outside, only the occasional spinning of a prayer wheel, or a bell being struck disturbed the peace and quiet.  The whole courtyard area was decorated with brightly coloured pieces of cloth tied onto raised strings, which flapped softly in the gentle breeze. 

Several Buddhist monks, dressed in their vibrant orange robes shuffled silently across the stone courtyard and entered the main temple doors.

The temple itself had an atmosphere of such sanctuary, and feeling of home.  It seemed capable of instilling peace in even the most troubled of souls. 


Inside the Temple it was fairly dark, although the rows of illuminated candles brought a warming, subdued light.  The subtle smell of incense filled the huge interior.  Sounds were many and varied. The loud clicking of the spinning prayer wheels outside were dulled by the thick stone walls, but were still audible, as were the bells.

A small number of Buddhist monks were sat together on one side of the temple, deep in meditation. From their mouths came a low pitched, continuous, chanting mantra, repeated over and over, which mysteriously echoed all around the building.

Around the floor of the temple, were scattered large cushions and meditation pillows that the monks would use to make their many hours of meditation more comfortable. 
The central focus of the temple was a large, golden statue of the Buddha. All around it lay fresh flowers, lit candles, and small gifts of carvings and various shiny trinkets.



In front of the statue, a lone character knelt silently on one of the cushions, his head bowed.  He had been there for some twenty minutes or so.
A young Buddhist monk silently approached and stood in front of him. In his hands he carried a Khata, a scarf sized ribbon of pure white cotton, about three feet long.

Sensing the monk's presence, the figure broke from his solitary meditations, opened his eyes and looked up at his observer. The handsome monks face quickly lit up with a beaming smile as he recognised the figure sat before him.

"Heero San!!", whispered the young monk excitedly,  making an effort not to disturb the other temple dwellers, "Heero! I thought it was you!". 

Heero's face quickly lit up, "Fumio!", he bleated, sporting a huge grin.  Heero quickly clambered to his socked feet, he'd left his shoes at the front entrance.

They stood facing each other, both still smiling hugely. Heero spotted the Khata in Fumio's hands and knew he was to receive a blessing and welcome in the traditional way

Keeping eye contact and both still grinning, they slowly bowed towards each other.  Fumio reached forward and placed the Khata over Heero's head, then gently took the sides of Heero's face in his hands as their foreheads touched together in a caring embrace.

"It is so very good to see you again Heero", whispered the shaven headed boy, "It has been so long, I have been so worried about you." 
Heero reached up his hands and cupped them both gently on the back of Fumio's neck.
"Not a single day has gone by when I haven't thought about this place, or the people in it," he replied, "It's good to see you,... my brother".


Fumio was about eighteen months younger than Heero. They grew up together on the L1 colony cluster from a very early age under their adopted guardian Doctor J.  They were both orphaned from different backgrounds, and were not related by blood, but to them it was irrelevant.   

Both were to be trained to be perfect soldiers, and Gundam pilots in preparation for operation Meteor, but under the gruelling, almost brutal regime, at around age nine, Fumio began to crack under the pressure.

Heero cast his mind back to those terrifying times in both their lives when the training program attempted the systematic elimination of their Humanity.  He remembered the tortured screams at night from his brother's nightmares, and the almost permanent look of panic in his eyes. 

Despite loosing much of his own sense of humanity, the feelings of compassion and protection Heero felt towards Fumio could never be suppressed, and the final straw came when Fumio eventually begged Heero to kill him to put an end to his misery. 

It was Heero's pleading that finally convinced Dr J to drop Fumio from the program.  
Unable to fulfil the necessary expectations, Fumio was sent to a secret location for rehabilitation.  

Heero did not see his brother again until about a month after the start of Operation Meteor, some four years later. With Fumio gone, Heero's training seemed to increase in intensity, but despite the unyielding pressure on him, he never went a day without wondering what had happened to his kid brother.


It was a time of relative inactivity, the first stage of Operation Meteor had been carried out, and Heero was sitting tight, awaiting the arrival of orders for his next mission.  Carrying out repairs to Gundam Zero-one, Heero received a recorded message by Dr J, telling him all about his brother, what had happened to him over the past years, and more importantly, where he was.

Almost immediately, Heero set off to the given location, which was actually not far away.  Several hours later, Heero arrived at the gates of the Monastery.  

It was an emotional Reunion. Despite his loyalty to the mission and to Dr J,  Heero had always expressed many misgivings about the way his younger brother was treated, especially the way he appeared to be discarded like trash when it was decided he was unsuitable material for the mission. 

Heero was half expecting to find a brainwashed shell of the boy he once knew, but was very surprised to learn that Fumio's rehabilitation had taken place in one of the best facilities on Earth, and that he remembered everything about the past in great detail.  He was even more surprised to learn that Dr J had played a major role in Fumio's rehabilitation, and had spent a great deal of time caring for him, often expressing great concern about his welfare, and ensuring he got only the best treatment available. 

On recovery from the trauma of his past, and after much deliberation, Fumio eventually chose to become a monk.  Mainly because it was, according to Dr J, what his father and great grandfather were, but also because it seemed a fitting role for his gentle nature.

 After their first reunion, Heero promised to stay in touch and visit whenever it was possible, which, during the war was difficult, but he did manage a few times.


Heero always believed that it was Fumio who saved him from completely losing touch with his Human side.  No matter what conditioning he was exposed to, no matter how hard they tried to extract his humanity, he never lost that sense of protection, and instinctive need to look out for his kid brother.




They held their embrace for quite a while, foreheads touching together, before slowly, almost reluctantly, breaking apart. 

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," spoke Fumio quietly, "Were you, -praying?", his voice in a slight tone of surprise.

"You didn't disturb me at all, I was about to come and look for you", replied Heero, deliberately avoiding his brother's question.

The boys decided to continue their conversation outside without the risk of disturbing the other people in the Temple. They walked to the main Temple door where Heero slipped on his boots.  

They strolled through the monastery grounds toward a large field at the rear. 
For the first time in many months, Heero could feel a slight sense of peace, just as he did on his last visit. He didn't know if it was caused by seeing his brother again, or just being at the monastery, or a combination of the two, but it seemed this was the one and only place on Earth, that he could almost switch off the soldier instincts and become a person for a while. 

Fumio was still very excited to see his older brother. It was obvious he had been counting the days in anticipation of his next visit.  He looked at Heero, almost in adoration, still beaming a huge smile.
Heero looked back at him, returning the smile. 
"I've missed you... I've really missed you", whispered Fumio. Although still beaming, there was an underlying tone of sadness in his voice.

Heero sensed Fumio's sadness and felt his heart warming. The old feelings of compassion and protection came flooding back to him. He extended his arm out and squeezed it tightly around Fumio's shoulders, pulling him close. 
"You'll never know" Heero thought silently to himself. 


They continued their walk towards the fields. Fumio spoke again about finding Heero in the Temple.
"I know you don't believe too much about spiritual things, so I was surprised to see you in there." he said.

Heero's answer was hesitant, but honest.
"A friend of mine is,...in trouble," he replied,  "I just figured,... it couldn't do any harm."

Fumio was silent for a moment. He seemed to be pondering something deep. As they reached the wooden gateway into the field they stopped and leaned on it, looking out over the field and beyond to the scenic forests.

"You live in a nice place Fumio", suggested Heero, trying his best to conjure up the words to describe the beautiful scenery that lay before them. 

"Yes, it is so beautiful here Heero,... and I have you to thank for that" replied Fumio.

"Aww come on Fumio!", replied Heero ironically, knowing where the conversation was about to go, "We've had this conversation before!".

Fumio, grinned, then his expression slowly turned more serious.
"I know Heero,... but what happened, really did happen, we can't change the past." He looked out across the fields. 
"It's been nearly five years since you saved my life, not just my life, you rescued my soul, and for that, I will be grateful for the rest of my life."

Heero smiled. He didn't have an answer. 
Despite the genuine enjoyment of seeing his brother again, he was still overly preoccupied with thoughts of Quatre. He was still unsure which way things would go.  Despite Sally's word of reassurance, he knew Quatre's injuries could still kill him, and it could still go either way.

Fumio was fast to pick up on Heero's preoccupation. 

"You're more worried about your friend than you were letting on aren't you?", said Fumio.
Heero was lost in thought, staring out across the field.

"Heero!" his brother called again.

Heero suddenly looked at him, "Hmm?"

Fumio smiled slightly at Heero not hearing him the first time.

"You're friend", he said, "You're more worried about him than you first suggested?"

"Is it that obvious?" asked Heero. Fumio nodded. 

"....Yes, I am very worried", Heero finally admitted.

Fumio asked Heero to elaborate, so Heero explained the recent events to date, as he saw them.  He was still unaware of Quatre's attempted Suicide.


Despite his fairly detailed and lengthy description, Fumio could tell Heero was holding something back. He didn't understand how the prefect soldier could become so preoccupied with the fate of a fellow soldier.

Fumio expressed his sorrow at Quatre's plight. 

They remained silent for a while, just taking in the view, pondering on Heero's worries. Eventually, Fumio broke the silence.

"Heero, tell me about him", he asked.

Heero thought for  moment,
"He's a Gundam pilot,  he's the same age as me,... He's Arabian, comes from a very rich family, sometimes lives in the Dessert, although his current house is....."

"No Heero!", interrupted Fumio, "Tell me about,.. HIM!"

Heero Paused for a long time, then sighed deeply. Eventually he answered.

"He's the finest example of a Human being I have ever known", he replied, his voice quietened and gloomy, 

Fumio listened compassionately, "Go on..." he said

The sadness in Heero's voice began to show.
"He is kind hearted,..... cares about everything and everyone,.........is so very gentle..."

Heero paused and sighed again, His voice became hesitant.
"Knowing he could,... die,.... Well it just,..... just hurts like hell,... more than I ever thought possible".

Fumio listened empathetically; he knew it was very hard for Heero to say the words he just did. He understood that expressing any kind of emotion like that was totally in conflict with his programming. 

They did not speak again for a while. They simply looked out across the fields at the wonderful scenery that lay before them.  The Suns warmth beat upon their backs as the gentle, cooling breeze danced around them, taking the edge off the intensity of the heat.  A small flock of geese flew overhead in a V formation, both boys observed them with quiet awe.

"Heero, your time in the temple earlier...  do you think it helped you?"  The question had been on his mind for quite a while.

Heero shrugged his shoulders
"Don't know really", he answered, "I don't really know what I was doing, I just kind-of figured I needed to sit there a while."

Fumio knew Heero was looking to find some kind of peace in his own mind.  He had obviously been preoccupied with Quatre's fate for a long time and it was quietly taking it's toll on him. He wanted to help, but could only think of one thing to offer.

"Heero, I am just a simple monk, I don't know much, I don't have the answers you are seeking, but I want to help you in any way I can", said Fumio. 
"If.... if I showed you what to do in the Temple, if I showed you something I think might help you in finding your answers, do you think it would help?", he was slightly hesitant.

Despite his brother being a monk, and his total respect for Fumio's beliefs, Heero had never really been a great believer of religious or spiritual things. However, he also had never completely closed his mind to the possibility of there being some truth in what Fumio believed. Maybe there really was some great spiritual plain somewhere, somehow, maybe some kind of an afterlife did exist, He was still undecided, but after all that had happened recently, on this day Heero was willing to be open minded.

Heero nodded,
"If you think it will help, then please, teach me," his reply was respectful, his tone appreciative.

"Don't worry, It's nothing bizarre", assured Fumio, grinning slightly, "I was thinking of just a simple meditation, that's all. I can talk you through it, maybe it will help you to clear your mind."

Heero nodded, "I am willing to try", he replied.

They turned and slowly began the walk back towards the temple. Along the way Fumio explained the basic principals and reasoning behind it. 

On reaching the temple door, Heero slipped off his boots again. They entered and stood before the large statue of the Buddha. Fumio bowed respectfully, Heero, watching his brother, awkwardly tried the same.  Then Fumio ushered Heero over to one side of the building, away from the other people, so he could whisper instructions to him without disturbing anyone.  The group of meditating monks that had been there earlier were still there, still chanting their mysterious, low-pitched mantra. 

Fumio got Heero to sit cross-legged on one of the many large cushions, then sat at his side, facing him. After instructing him to take a few deep breaths and close his eyes with his back straight, Fumio began to carefully talk Heero through the meditation.

At first, Heero felt a little conspicuous of himself, even a little embarrassed. A few times he half-grinned, almost wanting to bleat the words "This is Ridiculous!", but he refrained. He found it difficult to concentrate, Fumio assured him it was quite normal, but after a short time the self-conspicuousness passed. 

About twenty minutes into the meditation, Heero began to feel comfortable about the whole thing and became much more relaxed. Fumio was at his side all the time, his quiet voice gently giving guidance and instructions from time to time.  The sound of the continuing mantra from the other monks became almost hypnotic.  

Heero could feel himself drifting into a kind of daydream state. Inside his mind he could see the building they were in, it was almost as if he was floating around the room observing what was going on.  He could see himself sat on the large gold coloured cushion, his brother sat next to him talking. In his vision, he could see there were several other monks sat around them both, forming a circle, meditating, chanting.  The mantra he was hearing was loud, but strangely serene, calming. 

Eventually, still in his vision, Heero felt a hand gently touch his forearm, and the quiet, echoing words, "It is time to come back Heero."

As the images began to fade from his mind, Heero consciously made a last effort to look directly at his mind's image of the large golden Buddha statue.

"I don't know how much of this is my imagination, and whether any of this is really you", said Heero in his mind, "So, for now,  I only have three words to say to you...... Quatre...... Raberba....... Winner...."



End of chapter 7

Chapter 8 coming soon (started 20th June)

Comments welcome:   sbl@tesco.net