Duo's Grief for Quatre     Chapter 10


After making the phone call, Wufei made his way back towards the room. On reaching the corridor, he saw Sally's two colleagues wheeling some of the machinery and monitoring equipment out.

He peered in the open doorway and observed for a moment, unsure if it was ok for him to go in yet.  Quatre was awake and sat upright, propped against two large pillows.  He was engaged in quiet conversation with Sally who was perched on the edge of the bed. She was holding his hands and smiling as they spoke, obviously very pleased to see him looking better. 

Wufei knocked quietly on the doorframe, they both looked up at him. Sally gestured for Wufei to come in and he entered the room.

"How is he?", he asked, looking Quatre in the eye, but directing his question to Sally.

"Quatre will be fine", she replied squeezing Quatre's hand again. She turned her eyes to Quatre and smiled again, "It will take time for him to fully recover, but he should make a full recovery".

"That's good news", said Wufei, stepping closer, holding on to the frame at the foot of the bed.  "how long do you think before he can leave?"

"Well let's not move too quickly", replied Sally in a cautious tone, "we should take things one step at a time Wufei.  Ten minutes ago he was still virtually in a coma, he'll need to be under observation for at least a few days before we decide anything".

Suddenly, a quiet bleeping sound could be herd. Sally reached to her pocket and pulled out a small black box, the source of the slightly obtrusive noise. 

"I have to go", she said, pressing a switch on the box, cancelling the alarm. "I'll be back to check on you in a while Quatre", she said, squeezing his hand again before breaking away. She stood up from the bed and briefly turned to Wufei, 
"Keep an eye on him for me will you Wufei?" she asked.  

Wufei nodded respectfully.
"Of course", he replied.

Sally smiled, and then briskly made her way to the door, closing it behind her.

Wufei observed the door click shut, then peeled his view back to Quatre. 

Quatre was still looking a little pale, but, all in all, he appeared to be ok. He smiled. 

Many of the tubes and monitoring pads that had been stuck to him had been removed, as had the ventilator tubes from around his face. In fact the only apparent thing remaining was a small drip tube attached to the back of his right hand. The surgical gown he was wearing had been exchanged for his favourite, classic red, Paisley patterned pyjamas that Sally had remembered to pick up from the mansion on her last visit there earlier that morning.


The boys remained silent for a moment, observing each other, looking one another in the eye. There was a tense uneasiness hanging over them both. Quatre was uncertain how much Wufei knew, Uncertain if he knew the whole truth. Wufei was uncertain of Quatre's frame of mind. He did not know if he would attempt to end his life again as soon as he was left alone. 

Wufei knew he could never allow that to happen, not now. The last couple of days had been a revelation for him. Not only did he discover just how much he truly wanted, and needed his friendship with Quatre, but he also firmly believed that it was his responsibility to help Quatre through his problem, his inability to cope with taking life, the very reason for his attempted suicide.  Wufei had the knowledge and skills to help, and his failure in spotting Quatre's desperation until it was too late played heavily on his mind, as he began to feel partly responsible.  He made a decision that he would not leave Quatre's side, until he was satisfied that no further attempts to take his own life would occur.

Feeling this tenseness between them, Quatre began to feel dreadful. Not physically, as in ill, but awful, as in, a sense of guilt and shame. He suddenly felt deceptive, like a fraud. He began to feel a sense of betrayal, that he had lied to his friends and comrades to meet his own selfish needs, and end it all by taking the easy option out, to simply run away from the pain and torment instead of facing up to it.  At the time, he didn't believe that his death would have much of an impact, but after seeing the concerned and caring, yet quietly tormented expression on Wufei's face, he very quickly began to doubt, and regret his recent decisions. 

Sally had told him about the Pilots bedside vigil that they had kept, although she still remained unaware of the pilot's true motives for it - to prevent Quatre from attempting suicide again, if and when he woke up. 

As the two boys looked at each other, secretly trying to fathom one another's thoughts, the need to break the silence became more pressing. Eventually it was Quatre who spoke first.

"Th,.. Thanks for being here Wufei", he said quietly, smiling again, his voice still dry and croaky, "Sally told me about you guys all taking shifts to stay with me, It was a really nice sentiment, I am very grateful." His tone was diplomatic, but appreciative.

"We know how much you love hospitals", replied Wufei slightly humorously, his expression turning a little more cheerful, "We figured some familiar faces would ease the burden on you"

Quatre smiled as he looked down at the paisley pyjamas he was wearing, tenderly pinching the material between his thumb and finger,
"Sally brought these from home for me for the same reason, she thought they would make me feel more comfortable", he replied. "And she tells me that the flowers in that vase were sent by Relena," he gestured towards the table across the room.
 "There's a card from her wishing me well too, it says she will come and visit as soon as she can". Wufei cast his eyes to the huge bouquet of flowers sat in a vase on the table. He realised they must have only just been delivered, as he did not recall seeing them earlier, then he began trying to figure out who had told Relena, and whether they would have mentioned the suicide attempt.
"It must have been Sally", he thought silently to himself.

Quatre sighed sadly for a moment, continuing to caress the rich pyjama material between his fingers. The care and concern he had been shown began to dominate his thoughts. 
Again, he began to feel the sense of his selfishness. 
"They really care about me", he thought silently to himself, "everyone is being so kind"

Until now, Quatre had wrongly believed that his death would be looked upon as little more than an unfortunate event, although hardly surprising, it was a war after all and he hadn't counted on surviving it's entirety anyway.  

He knew that if anyone was going to get a little upset it would probably be Duo because of the close friendship they had developed. In preparation for that, Quatre had made a video recording for him, which he left with his lawyers to be presented to Duo after Quatre's death, along with enough financial support to ensure his, and the other pilots futures were comfortable. Only now was it slowly dawning on Quatre as to just how much he would be missed. 

He sighed again,
"I'm so lucky to have you guys as friends," he said, his voice becoming sullen, "But surely you all must have had better things to do than to sit around waiting for me to wake up?"

Wufei, who had spent the last few moments studying the vase of flowers, suddenly looked Quatre in the eye. 

"You are very wrong", he replied, his voice serious. "You have been the major concern on everyone's minds for the past days", he informed, "All of us have been deeply troubled".

"Really??", Quatre gasped quietly in surprise, his mind picturing the glum faces of his fellow pilots. 

Quatre sighed heavily, his guilt was increasing.
"I really don't deserve this Wufei", he pleaded, "I really don't deserve such concern"

Wufei pulled up a chair close to the bed.
"Yes,...... you do," he replied slowly as he sat down on it, "You do".

"No,... believe me Wufei, I really don't", insisted Quatre, still with thoughts of shame and betrayal burned into his mind.

"Yes!,....  Quatre!....  you do!", confirmed Wufei, this time more firmly.    

Quatre continued to subtly shake his head from side to side in a gesture that Wufei was wrong. 

Wufei knew they could not go on, dancing around the issue. He leaned forward, purposely gripping his hand on Quatre's forearm, looking him in the eye.

Quatre remained silent, looking at him in nervous anticipation of his next words.

Wufei was hesitant, he paused for several moments, half wondering if this was the right time to tell him or not.  He knew the others could arrive at any time, which would make the job even more difficult, so he finally opted to speak now.

"Quatre," he spoke with a subdued, compassionate, yet serious tone. 
"Quatre,...... We know,............we know,.. everything."

Quatre suddenly felt a sinking sensation on his heart, although he wasn't totally sure that Wufei was referring to what he thought he was referring to.

"E....Everything?", stuttered Quatre, almost in a gasp, praying that Wufei would start talking with reference to something other than the real truth.

Wufei nodded silently. He looked sorrowful.

"H...How did ......?", stuttered Quatre nervously, "how did you......"

"Trowa", spoke Wufei, cutting Quatre off in mid sentence, "Trowa investigated the crash", he spoke quietly, "It didn't take him long to discover the truth."

Quatre looked aghast. Alarm bells were ringing in his head.
"Oh my God!,..... They know!", he thought silently, his mind in a panic, "do they all know?"

"How,...  how many of...."

"Don't worry Quatre, it's just us,...  just the four of us, and yourself who know", Wufei interrupted again, correctly anticipating Quatre's question for the second time, "Nobody else is aware,... not even Sally."

Quatre looked down, his face still etched with dread, 
"Everyone must think I'm so stupid, and selfish,... and they would be right", he said regretfully.

Wufei could see the torment on Quatre's face. He felt sorry for him. He squeezed his grip on Quatre's arm and leaned forward.

"Actually, on the contrary Quatre,... I believe they feel they are partly responsible, and have failed you as a friend", his voice in a tone of regret, "It is a belief I share".

"I don't understand Wufei", protested Quatre, "How can any of you be responsible for my own stupidity,... that's just not true!", his voice became a little agitated.

Wufei sighed.
"Quatre, we should have realised how you were being effected, we should have realised that you couldn't go on doing what you were doing without any kind of consequence", he replied anxiously, 
"We should have been looking out for each other, ... and we weren't", Wufei sounded more sullen by the minute. "I am truly sorry Quatre, I really am.  I wish I could have helped you before it came to this, I wish I could have realised earlier, spotted the signs......".

Quatre reached out his hand, and gripped Wufei's arm, "Stop Wufei, Stop!, that's enough!", he pleaded, tears welling in his eyes.
"You, or the others must not feel responsible for this, not in any way", he was hesitant for a moment, then continued, 
"I,... I was actually being careful not to give you any signs that things were wrong".

Wufei suddenly looked up, his face aghast.
"Oh Quatre!....  why?!", he gasped,  his own eyes welling with tears, "Why didn't you say something, why couldn't you have come to us for help?  Any one of us would have helped you".

Quatre fought hard to hold back the tears,
"You are soldiers,.... not counsellors", he choked, 
"You of all people Wufei, know about weakness", he gave a long sniff, "The last thing you guys wanted was for me to dump all of my problems on you, especially just as the most crucial missions of the war were starting up". 

Wufei's grip on Quatre's arm tightened.
"That's where you are wrong Quatre,  That's where you are so wrong!", he wept through gritted teeth as tears began to roll down his cheeks. 
"You have no idea what we have all gone through these past couple of days, the regret, the torture of knowing we could have helped you, but didn't realise until it was too late", Wufei's voice became more forceful, slightly angry.

"I'm so sorry Wufei", sobbed Quatre", I'm so sorry,...  I had no idea this would happen,... no idea at all.......  The others?... surely,... surely they haven't been that up set?,.... have they?", he stuttered through weeping breath.

Wufei looked away. He didn't want to go any further down this path. He could see Quatre was upset enough, yet his need to show Quatre what he had truly done burned heavily into his mind. He had to make Quatre understand just how precious his life was. Wufei's absolute priority at that time was to deter Quatre from even thinking about taking his own life again, and if that meant upsetting him further, then so be it. 

He looked back at Quatre and took a long breath, recomposing himself slightly. Quatre remained weepy, tears continued to run down his cheeks. 

"Quatre,...... the others,.." He paused, "The others,..." he began to struggle to find the appropriate words to put across what he was trying to say.
"The past few days have been very difficult,......  Being unsure whether you would survive has had a profound effect on all of us, more than any of us ever imagined", he was hesitant to go on, but knew he must,  "There have been many tears."

Quatre, had managed to calm himself a little and listened quietly to what Wufei was telling him. Tears still continued to sit in his eyes.

"Duo by far was effected the most", Wufei continued, "On being told about your attempted suicide, he completely lost control", Wufei's eyes began to well up again as the memories of seeing the trauma of the others played back in his mind. "He was inconsolable, he threw up for over an hour and eventually had to be sedated".

Quatre closed his eyes tight as the tears began to flow faster. His insides were churning. He wanted to yell out loud but tried to keep it together while Wufei continued to talk.

"Trowa was effected almost as much, he too became very ill,.." Wufei began to choke on his own words as the memories of upset continued to play over in his mind, "Even,... Even Heero has..... has..."

"Stop! Wufei!.....please..... stop!", blubbed Quatre leaning forward grabbing Wufei's arm again. Unable to hold back his emotions any longer. He wailed out loud, doubling forward, unable to suppress his sadness any more.

"My God!,..... what have I done!", he sobbed, "What have I done ?? !!,  I'm so sorry,...so sorry!"

Wufei, still choking on his own tears, looked down at his sobbing friend and gently cupped his free hand under Quatre's chin lifting his head slightly. 

Through broken, sobbing words, Wufei spoke.
"Quatre,... you have to promise me,.... Absolutely promise me,.... That you will NEVER try anything like this again,... EVER!"

Quatre slowly raised his head, and looked Wufei in the eye.
"I swear,.. as long as I shall live,... I promise", he sobbed.

"Promise me Cat", stuttered Wufei a second time.

"I promise you Wufei,...  as,...  as God is my Judge", sniffed Quatre,  

"Never again?", blubbed Wufei, in a desperate need to seek absolute conformation.

"Never, Wufei,....... Never again, ...I really promise", Quatre's words faded into a quiet squeal as he continued to sob. Wufei, now feeling immense compassion for his friend, cupped his hand on the back of Quatre's neck and gently pressed his forehead against the top of Quatre's thick blond hair, in the nearest thing he would allow to an embrace.


A few minutes later, the door opened and Duo and Trowa walked in. Still tearful, Wufei and Quatre broke from their embrace and looked up. 

"Duo!,  Trowa!", bleated Quatre. 

"Quatre!" gasped Duo, urgently moving towards the bed.

Despite his face still being wet with tears, Quatre managed to forge a slight smile as they both approached.

Wufei stepped away from the bed to allow his comrades to greet their friend, as he did, he caught Duo's eye.
"He knows", whispered Wufei with a gesture.

Duo nodded, understanding Wufei's comment.

Both Duo and Trowa looked happy, and relieved that Quatre was ok. They approached, one on either side of the bed.

"Hey! Buddy!", spoke Duo quietly, smiling compassionately, placing his hand on Quatre's shoulder, "we've been worried about you".

Quatre's expression suddenly began to turn. The slight smile faded as the sides of his mouth turned downwards and his eyes started to water again.

"I know", he whispered in a barely audible voice, his breath quickening, "Duo,... I'm so sorry!", he bleated, "I'm so very sorry!,  you too Trowa, I'm so,.. so... sorry,... so sorry", Quatre's tears began to flow again.

Immediately, both Trowa and Duo leaned forward, each placing an arm across his back in a kind of group hug. 

Trowa gripped his hand around Quatre's hand, palms together.
"No Quatre, It's us who should be sorry", He replied, "we should have seen your pain, we should never have allowed it to get to this"

"Trowa's right ", replied Duo, squeezing his arm tightly around Quatre's shoulders,  "I'm sorry too Cat, I of all people should have seen this coming".

"No!, this isn't true" protested Quatre, still sobbing, "none of you must blame yourselves, this had nothing to do with you, it was my own stupid selfishness. I've been such a fool", sobbed Quatre,  pleading with them not to take the blame, "Such a fool" 

"Oh Quatre!" sighed Duo as his own guilt began to surface, "All the times you helped me,... all those times I dumped all my problems onto you,... It must have been like I was rubbing salt into the wounds,... God! I'm so sorry Cat, ..I..."

"No Duo, it wasn't like that at all", blubbed Quatre, interrupting him, "if anything, you helped me, ... you, ... you gave me a reason to keep going".

 Duo sighed, his own sadness beginning to knot in his stomach again.

"But Cat, .. why didn't you come to me for help?", he pleaded in a half-whisper, "I mean, we're buddies right?,... we trust each other, .. I mean,.. we're ok aren't we?"

Quatre nodded earnestly, shaking off the tears that had pooled in a large drip under his chin.

"I could have helped you Cat,..." Duo squeezed his arm tighter around Quatre's shoulders as his eyes welled, "You little fool!", he said, trying to form a half smile, in an effort to quell the tears., "I still can,... and will,  if you'll let me?"

Quatre reached his hand up on to Duo's neck, trying to return the slight embrace he was being given. All the time, Trowa remained holding on, just nodding and agreeing with everything Duo was saying.

He was about to speak when the door opened again, this time it was Heero who stepped in. He did not look happy.

He turned round and closed the door. 

"Heero!", bleated Quatre, trying to forge a smile again through his tearful face.

Heero remained facing the back of the door

"Quatre!,... you're a self-serving, selfish son of a bitch!", he snarled through closed teeth.

A shocked silence suddenly filled the room.

He span round and stormed briskly towards the bed. 

"I swear it Quatre!, if You EVER! pull a stunt like that again,... I'll kill you myself!", he snarled as he walked.

Uncertain of Heero's motives, Duo instinctively moved away from Quatre and moved to the foot of the bed, standing in Heero's way.  

Heero stopped in front of Duo, but still looking at Quatre. He continued his verbal assault.

"Have you any idea of the trouble you have caused?, of what you've put us all through" he accused angrily.

The greeting smile on Quatre's face had quickly disappeared and he began sobbing again, tears streaming down his face, like a small child being told off by an adult.

"Hey! take it easy Heero", protested Duo.

Heero looked Duo coldly in the eye for a moment, then slowly brushed his way past him.

Duo was unsure what Heero had in mind, but there was something about the look in his eyes, something odd, something tragic. He reluctantly allowed him to pass, but remained close-by.

Heero stood beside Quatre

"I've seen some lousy stunts in my time, but that had to be the worst!", he spoke angrily again.

"I'm sorry Heero!", bawled Quatre,  "I'm so sorry!,  I was really stupid!", his voice became almost a plea, "I had no idea,... no idea!". He gave a long sniff, "please!, ... Please don't' hate me for it Heero!, . I never meant to hurt anyone."

Heero looked down at the sobbing boy, his breath began to quicken. He remained silent for a few moments, as if thinking what to do, then he suddenly reached out.

Quatre flinched, thinking Heero was about to hit him, but before anyone could do anything, Heero wrapped his arms tightly around Quatre's shoulders, embracing him.

Everyone was stood in silence, trying to figure out what was going on in Heero's mind. Suddenly, Heero closed his eyes tight, bowing his head forward, pressing his face gently against the top of the blond Arab's head. A few moments later , there was a quiet sob.

Quatre quickly realised Heero had begun to cry and reached out to him.  A few moments later Heero blubbed out loud, tightening his embrace.

"I don't hate you Quatre!", he sobbed, as tears ran down his face, "I don't hate you at all", his voice suddenly subdued almost to a whisper.
He buried his right cheek firmly against Quatre's hair
"You fool", he cried, still whispering, "You little fool!, ... what would we have done,... if you had succeeded ?", his words spoken between sniffs, "what then eh?"

The others looked on with compassion as they saw a very rare side of Heero's personality coming through..  They figured he must have been teetering on the edge of despair to be acting like he was.

For a long time He and Quatre held their tight embrace in silence while they both cried rivers of tears, Eventually Heero spoke again.

"We're gonna get you through this Quatre", he sobbed, still holding on tightly, his voice almost a squeak,  "All of us,... we're gonna help you get through this.  Never again will you be so alone". Heero glanced up at the others.
"That goes for all of us, .. ALL of us!"

There was a general nodding of heads as the other pilots looked at one another, agreeing to Heero's sentiments.
Duo, still starry eyed,  stepped towards them and joined in the embrace, placing his arms around both Quatre and Heero

"None of us should ever have to go through this again", He pledged, backing Heero, "NONE of us,...  never again".

Every one in the room agreed. There was a general mumbled chant of "yes", "agreed" and "Absolutely" all in unison.

Wufei stepped to the other side of the bed, next to Trowa. He leaned forward and also joined in, reaching his arms around the other three. Trowa quickly followed suit, adding his presence to the impromptu group hug.
 
Wufei took a breath,
"From now on, we all need to look out for each other, not just on the battlefield, but in our normal lives too", again there was a general agreement.
He continued.
"We are a team, we are comrades, and we are friends, during war, AND in peacetime. I pledge to you all now, No matter what life throws at us, no matter where our fortunes lie, I will be here for you. You guys are my family, I will never turn you away"

There was a chant of complete approval and agreement from everyone.

"For the rest of my Life, I am here too," replied Duo

"We must never allow this to happen again" said Heero, "so count me in"

"Yes, me too", spoke Trowa, "I also pledge myself to this agreement, we must all be vigilant and not be afraid or ashamed to ask for help"

Quatre was the last to pledge his allegiance, although he could barely speak the words after being so deeply moved by what had come about, and the closeness he was sensing from everyone. 


That day, the pilots became a strong, even more united force than they had ever been. Their pledge to one another was to be the strongest commitment that each of them had ever made, and it was to be the longest standing, for, just two days later, the war ended, and the boys began a new life of hope, as civilians. 

To this day, they all remain true to their word.

**** End ****


Author: Baerwolf   (sbl@tesco.net)    (comments gratefully received)

Author's site (Friends of Gundam Wing): http://www.geocities.com/baerwolfs/index.html