ANNOUNCER: Welcome to Politically Incorrect, Gundam Wing style! Starring Heero Yuy as Captain Sleeze (we see Heero refereeing a match between two mobile suits, turns to the camera, and waves), Duo Maxwell as Doomsday Democrat (we see Duo in Congress when he stands up angrily and throws a lawbook at the Speaker of the House, then turns to give the home viewers a 'thumbs up'), Wufei Chang as Reckless Republican (Wufei is walking around the Senate floor knocking out everyone who voted against his bill), Trowa Barton as Rabid Reformant (we see Trowa wave to the home audience, then puts on Spock ears and does a Ross Perot impression), Quatre Raberba Winner as Mr. Conservative (Quatre is trying to interview people but is trampled underfoot as the New York City Marathon gets underway), Lucreizia Noin as Lady Litigation (we see Noin pounding her gavel in a courtroom until, exasperated, she whips it at somebody and smiles for the camera), and the host of our show, Relena Peacecraft!
(Relena walks onstage and everyone applauds. She goes over to her desk and the applause stops.)
RELENA: Good evening and welcome to another edition of Politically Incorrect with me, Relena Peacecraft. We've got a big show tonight, folks, the presidential election is coming up so you know what that means. We're going to take a look at the issues tonight with the four major candidates all leading up to the main event - a Political Deathmatch battle royal! (Cheering) We're going to adopt a different style than in previous Politically Incorrects, where we'll give them a specific issue and they'll have time to explain their view. Now, we'll let each candidate say what they have to say, but if they start to ramble we'll stop them with a mild electric shock! (Cheering) So if we're ready, we'll kick it on over to the Politically Incorrect team to start things off.
(Each candidate is seated in a chair on the stage. A packed auditorium looks on. Doomsday, Reckless, Rabid, Mr. Conservative, Lady Litigation, and Relena are seated in a desk facing the candidates)
RELENA: All right, candidates. This is how we'll work. One of us will give you an issue that would be likely to appear on your platform. You will have some time to explain your stand on that issue. And if you have any time left, you can rip on your opponent's plans if you wish but if you start to ramble, we will issue a mild electric shock. You may also pass at any time. Understand? (Candidates nod) Good, let's begin. Doomsday, you have first topic.
DUO: Okay then. We'll start with a biggie --- Social Security.
GORE: Well, obviously we have to reform the system because under our current social security budget, the system will be broke before the next generation of workers retires. Now, we have to continually strengthen the system so it can support the retirees. We have to continue to put money into the system. Furthermore, we should allow retirement savings accounts that allow people to save up to $400,000 for their retirement. My opponent has promised $1 trillion to both seniors and young workers who will be receiving social security, so is he the one you want to implement a reformed system?
BUSH: That is just a bunch of Washington fuzzy math. The budget surplus will be able to handle the system I have planned. Under the current administration, social security will not be able to support the country for much longer. What we cannot afford to do is cut benefits and raise the social security tax. What we have to do is use money from the budget surplus to buffer the system, and at the same time use the social security surplus only for social security. Under my plan, no one will have their benefits lowered, and also, workers would be allowed to invest some of the benefits for greater long-term gain.
BUCHANAN: I agree with what Mr. Bush said about using the social security budget for that purpose only. I will guarantee that every retired person will receive every penny they should under the system, and also, we need a system that allows people to save their social security money as they go.
NADER: The system needs to be reformed, and the sooner the better. Often, it is widows and widowers who suffer the most under the current system. What I would do is adjust the system to be more helpful to them. Also, don't put social security money in risky private ventures, even though the present interest rate is too low.
WUFEI: Next issue --- taxes.
GORE: Plain and simple, we have to help out the working families of our nation with tax cuts that will benefit them. Under Bush's plan, he will spend more on tax cuts for the wealthiest 1% than for anyone else. Now, under my tax plan, working class families will have less taxes to pay, but they will also receive help for child care, health care, and education. The budget surplus should be used to give our working class a break.
BUSH: Fifty million Americans. That's how many people will be left out of my opponent's plan. Everyone who pays taxes should get a break. The wealthiest 1% will end up paying one third of all taxes, and they will receive one fifth of the benefits. We have to eliminate the death tax, reduce the "marriage penalty," and in the end, low income families will no longer have to pay federal income tax.
BUCHANAN: We need a Balanced Budget Amendment with a provision for lower taxes. Also, small businesses shouldn't have to be burdened with taxes, it should be shifted moreso to the large corperations. Also, we should eliminate the so-called "inheritance tax."
NOIN: Next up --- education.
GORE: Education is a very important issue, and there are many things we have to do to make them better. We need more teachers, and we need to pay them higher wages for the work they do. We also need to administer tests as a means of identifying failing schools. We need to rebuilt our nation's schools and put more money into public education to better serve the educational needs of our children. There needs to be preschool learning. A school voucher system favored by my opponent would take money out of public schools, the last thing we need to have happen.
BUSH: The school voucher system doesn't put money in the hands of schools, it puts money in the hands of the parent. If the parent is unsatisfied with the school their child is in, they have every right to find a school that will help the student. Schools need to be held accountable for results. If schools fail, we have to shut them down and find people who can bring the school up to par.
BUCHANAN: I oppose national testing, simple as that. What we need to do is eliminate the Department of Education and return the system to the state and local level. School vouchers are a good idea, too. There should be minimal, if not none at all, government involvement with public education.
NADER: I agree with the vice president on the idea of preschool learning. But there is more we can do. Class sizes are much too large. We need to shrink class sizes so there is a better learning environment. Also, tuition at community colleges and public universities should be free to high school graduates.
TROWA: U.S. foreign involvement.
GORE: We have the strongest military in the world right now, and we have to make sure our soldiers are well prepared, well paid, and make sure morale is high. We also have to strengthen our foreign relationships with Asia and Latin America. Peace must be strived for in areas such as the Balkans, Middle East, and Northern Ireland. Also, I will continue to push the nuclear test ban bill through Congress until it is passed.
BUSH: We do need to work for peace in the areas mentioned by the vice president, and we will use a secure Israel as the base. Also, we need to stop the spread of weapons of mass destruction and nuclear arms, although the test ban treaty doesn't go far enough in these means. We need to work towards a democratic world bound together by free trade, which will aid everyone.
BUCHANAN: The military's budget has continued to fall. We must rebuilt the morale of our military and make it stronger. However, we do not need to have troops stationed overseas, and we should bring these soldiers home.
NADER: I agree with Mr. Buchanan, I believe that we should strive for peace and recall our overseas forces.
QUATRE: Next issue --- abortion.
GORE: I'll be frank, women should have a choice. They should be allowed to decide whether or not to have an abortion done.
BUSH: I'll also make this short. I am pro-life. I believe in the rights of the unborn.
BUCHANAN: I am also pro-life. If elected, I will appoint Supreme Court justices that will overturn Roe vs. Wade, work to have a Constitutional amendment passed protecting the lives of the unborn, and educate people that life does begin at conception.
RELENA: The last topic for now is gun control.
GORE: There must be more laws to control handgun ownership and use. All criminals who are convicted of gun related crimes should face harsher sentences. We need a three-day waiting period for background checks for gun purchases. There should also be safety measures on guns, such as manditory trigger-locks to protect our children. The minimum age to purchase a gun should be raised from 18 to 21, and any child who bring a gun to school must be suspended for one year and never be allowed to purchase a gun as an adult.
BUSH: I also favor raising the age from 18 to 21, but the laws we have on the books right now are what need to be enforced. We do need safety locks to protect our youth, but we need instant background check at gun shows and at pawnshops for purchases. Also, there should be a ban on semi-automatic and assault weapons.
BUCHANAN: Criminals will not be allowed to own handguns, but law-abiding citizens should be able to exercise their 2nd Amendment rights. Sportsmen and hunters will he allowed to own firearms, as will citizens who wish to protect their homes.
RELENA: Well folks, six issues down. When we return, we'll ask some questions dealing with other issues. Don't go anywhere, we'll be right back.
Before you look at Bush's plans, look at his record. Texas currently ranks last in the U.S. in terms of air pollution. When the national minimum wage was increased to $5.15 an hour, Bush kept the Texas minimum wage under $4. And recently, a federal judge had to step in, saying that Texas failed to provide adequate childcare. George W. Bush, his real plans hurt real people.
Al Gore, is he really the man you want in the White House? Gore says he's for campaign finance reform, but what happened when he was involved in a campaign scandal? 22 people were indicted, 12 were convicted, 70 plead the 5th amendment, and 18 actually fled the country. And Gore says he's for school accountability, and that's good, right? Until you find out that he requires no real testing, so how is that accountable? Vote Bush/Cheney in 2000.
RELENA: Welcome back to Politically Incorrect. We've already heard each candidate's stance on six issues, now we're going to look at six more. Doomsday, we'll start with you again.
DUO: All right, the next issue is campaign finance reform.
GORE: We have to put a ban on "soft money" so politics aren't linked to money. Also, we have to place limits on the activities and influence of political lobbyists. Next, we need to give political candidates free advertising time on television. Finally, we have to encourage Americans to contribute to the Democracy Endowment. I propose a 100% tax deduction to any individual or corperation for seven years of until the endowment reaches its goal of $2.13 billion.
BUSH: I agree with the vice president that we have to eliminate soft money and try to get people involved with political fundraising, but the people should be able to decide which candidate they wish to help support.
NADER: Once again, I agree with the ban on soft money. I also agree with free airtime on TV and radio for canditates. However, we do need to have better enforcement on laws regarding contributions.
WUFEI: Next up --- the environment.
GORE: We need to protect our nations forests and wildlife. National parks must have full funding. Also, we have to limit industial emissions and smog levels. We also have to use technologies that will not deplete the ozone layer or change out climate due to the greenhouse effect.
BUSH: There should be incentives for individuals and corperations that help to preserve the environment in any way possible. Also, we have far too many abandoned industrial facilities, or "brownfields." We have to clean up all brownfields, and make the tax incentive for cleanup permanent.
BUCHANAN: We have to hold states accountable for environmental standards. We should eliminate the Bureau of Land Management and give the land back to the states. Also, international accords that do not apply some countries should not be forced upon American companies, because it may hurt industry.
NADER: We have to accept worldwide emissions standards, then go above and beyond the call of duty by lowering emissions even more. We need zero emissions cars and an efficient public transit system.
NOIN: Energy is next.
GORE: Gas prices have been rising, and I do support tapping the Strategic Petroleum Reserve to provide temporary relief until OPEC raises production. Also, we should give consumer tax credit for purchasing fuel efficient cars, and raise incentives for the use of solar power.
BUSH: We are relying too much on imported oil. We have to try and use more domestic energy resources to relieve costs. Also, the decision to tap the Strategic Petroleum Reserve was strictly a political move that my opponent was against in February but supported it just when the campaign began. It should only be used in times of war as it was intended.
BUCHANAN: The federal tax on gas should be temporarily eliminated to reduce prices, and all foreign aid should be cut off to OPEC nations who lowered production. Also, we should encourage exploration to find new areas to drill, use the Strategic Oil Reserve, and use nuclear energy.
NADER: We should eliminate all use of nuclear energy.
GORE: Everyone should have affordable health care coverage. The entire health care budget should he kept in a "lock box" for the purpose of health care only. This should keep the system running until at least 2030.
BUSH: I agree with the vice president that health care should be affordable for everybody. The government will also pay for some of the costs, and those who make less will receive more from the government to help pay the costs.
BUCHANAN: Too many workers have no health care. We need options that cost less.
NADER: Everyone will be included in a public plan covering all health care need. And although providers would still be in the private sector, the payment methods would prevent providers from overcharging for profits.
QUATRE: Crime is the next issue.
GORE: We need to hire more officers and prosecutors to keep criminals off our streets. We also need a Victim's Rights Amendment. Also, we have to stop hate crimes and racial profiling. Finally, we have to take steps to prevent drug use and gun possession among juveniles.
BUSH: There has to be enforcement of gun laws. We need state and local enforcement, however, it needs to be federally funded. Finally, there should be a zero tolerance policy when it comes to terrorism.
BUCHANAN: There have to be tough consequences for criminals, and parole has to be restricted so that criminals serve the sentences they were given. Criminals should also have to work to provide retribution for the victims, and capital punishment is needed for certain violent crimes.
NADER: Corperations have for far too long escaped punishment for wrongdoing. Any corperations convicted of serious crimes should be resolved. Also, there should be citizen bounty-hunting provisions added to federal laws.
RELENA: Lastly is the budget.
GORE: We have a large budget surplus, and it can be used for a number of purposes. I believe that it can be used to pay down the national debt. The latest free trade bill with China will aid use in maintaining a balaced budget and under my plan, the United States will be free of its debt in 2012.
BUSH: I am aware of our budget surplus, and that it can be used to pay down the national debt. There has been a projected surplus of $4.6 trillion over the next ten years. Over half of that will go to social security, a quarter of it for tax cuts, and the remainder for other priorities.
(Suddenly all the candidates receive a mild electric shock. Relena turns to see Heero at the controls)
RELENA: What was that?
HEERO: I administered a mild electric shock.
RELENA: But they didn't stray from the topics, or really hammer their opponents, I thought they were almost civilized.
HEERO: That's the problem. If we had Jim Lehrer as the moderator, they'd be killing each other out there.
RELENA: Okay... anyway, that's all the issues we have for you today. If you want to learn more about each candidate, check out their sites: Al Gore, George W. Bush, Pat Buchanan, and Ralph Nader. Coming up next is a Political Deathmatch battle royal!
Are you tired of politicians promising you one thing then giving you something else when elected? Then you want to vote Dan Pencoske/John Albright in 2000! Why? John will plant Kentucky Bluegrass seeds all over the state of Wyoming, where they will establish an independent republic. They will also annex Vermont and take over the world syrup market and establish the Log Cabin monopoly! Okay, just kidding, we're ninth graders who have nothing better to do with our lives. But we will take over Wyoming one day, you'll see!
This ad is a complete waste of your time, thank you for reading. Dan is the also known as DN641 and if you do not visit his site by clicking here, he will become dictator of San Marino, conquer Florida, and rename it Dan Marino. You've been warned...
(Monday Night Football music. Cue the pregame teaser.)
HOWARD: It's 2000, and that means you'll be voting for the next president of the United States. The Democratic candidate Al Gore is running against Texas governor and Republican George W. Bush. Pat Buchanan is running on the Reform ticket, and some people think that Green Party candidate Ralph Nader will draw away key Gore votes that could land Bush in office. Tonight, however, we'll decide who will win the election by determining which can survive a Gundam battle royal! Political Deathmatch is next!
(Cue theme song)
DUO: (singing) Weeeellllll
It's time to get ready to go tonight,
The government's best are ready to fight
Democrats? Repubicans? Who'll win your vote?
There's Reform and Green, too, so you better take note
You better get ready,
For anything to expect,
It's time for the Deathmatch on Politically Incorrect
So get ready, c'mon get ready!
Are you ready for some combat?
Are you ready for a showdown?
We got battle royal
Four fighting for the presidency
The battlefield is rockin' with all my rowdy friends
For Political Deathmatch, where the party never ends
Let's light this thing... NOW!
(Neat computer graphic of all four candidates colliding and exploding)
HOWARD: Coming to you tonight from the Mojave Desert in Arizona, it's Political Deathmatch, and tonight we have a four candidate battle royal! Hello, everyone, I'm Howard, in the booth always with Hilde Schbeiker.
HILDE: Yes, Howard, and I'm sure everyone out here is eagerly anticipating this matchup. Mr. Sleeze has had no problems getting each candidate ready to pilot their suits, and this is guaranteed to be one heated battle with four of them all going at each other.
GORE: I'm sure my Vietman experiance will help me beat you all.
BUSH: Yeah, just like we all know you invented the Internet.
GORE: Hey, I actually was in 'Nam.
BUCHANAN: Do we care? No.
NADER: Oh yeah, sure, forget all about me. It's just the Green Party is just so darn ignorable.
GORE, BUSH, BUCHANAN: What was that?
HOWARD: Here's a look at Al Gore. ("Howards Break Down" screen, followed by pictures of Lawrence H. Summers with Howard's voice over) Al Gore used to be a congressman from Tennessee, now the vice president. He's tried to distance himself from Clinton in order to win the election without any scandals in the way. Tonight he'll be in the Altron, a Gundam unmatched in attack power.
HILDE: But ol' G.W. doesn't look too bad himself. ("Hilde's Break Down" screen, followed by pictures of Alan Greenspan with Hilde's voice over) Son of former chief executive George Bush, George W. Bush is currently the governor of Texas. Although he has been criticized for his lack of experiance, Bush remains popular among voters. His Gundam, Sandrock, is heavily armored.
HOWARD: And with the 411 on the last two candidates, we throw it over to tonight's third man in the booth, Dennis Miller.
DENNIS: Thank you, Howard. Well, what we have here is your classic no-hopers Buchanan and Nader in a David vs. Goliath situation. They have no chance in the election, but we all know Dewey defeated Truman, right? In a Gundam battle they still have a chance, even though it's slimmer than an anorexic catwalk supermodel. Pat Buchanan will be piloting Heavyarms, and Nader will be in Wing Gundam.
HOWARD: Let's head down to Mr. Sleeze to get started.
HEERO: All right everyone, listen up. The purpose of Political Deathmatch is for those of you watching at home to enjoy the sight of political bigwigs beating the crap out of each other until only one of them is left alive. You want to be able to deceive your opponent before moving in for the kill, just like in a normal political race. Last one alive wins.
HILDE: And the battle has begun. Each candidate is choosing their targets.
HOWARD: They've broken into two groups of two. Gore is fighting Nader, and Bush has engaged Buchanan. They figure if they eliminate those two, they'll be able to duke it out alone.
HILDE: And seriously, which two have a better chance anyway? This race is between Gore and Bush.
DENNIS: However, some have said that Nader will draw away some votes from Gore and allow Bush to win, so that may explain why Gore is concentrating on eliminating Nader right now.
GORE: This'll teach you to court my votes!
NADER: Democratic scum. Prepare to die!
HOWARD: Altron and Wing Gundam are very closely matched. Gore fires the tail cannon, but Nader jumps aside. Nader retaliates with the shoulder vulcans, but they do little against Altron's armor. Now the two have drawn their beam weapons and are locked in combat.
HILDE: And Bush is wasting no time, either. He's turned Sandrock into an offensive powerhouse against Heavyarms, you we thought would have an advantage. Missiles fly, but do not good!
DENNIS: Buchanan's aim is as accurate as a Kordell Stewert to Plaxico Burress pass, never on the money!
BUCHANAN: Why can't I hit you? These missiles aren't locking on.
BUSH: Those coordinants are another example of fuzzy math!
HOWARD: Bush is all over Buchanan with a barrage of gunfire. Heavyarms doesn't have the best armor, so there may be a problem if the Sandrock assault continues.
HILDE: The battle continues. Altron is really starting to get inside Wing Gundam's defenses. Gore seems to be making progress against Nader.
GORE: Feeling a little blue because you're going to lose, Nader? Or should I say Green?
NADER: You're comedy sickens me. I will defeat you!
DENNIS: And over on the other end of the battlefield, Sandrock is really delivering a Class A beat down to Heavyarms. If Robin were here right now, he'd say "Holey Gundanium, Batman. This Gundanium's full of holes!"
HOWARD: Heavyarms is firing left and right but can't seem to hit Sandrock. Bush looks like he's going in for the kill!
HILDE: As is Gore!
GORE: Say goodbye!
NADER: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH... (Altron shoves the beam weapon straight through Wing Gundam, which promptly explodes)
BUSH: Too bad you spent all that time getting your name on the ballot, since you'll be dead before November 7!
BUCHANAN: Curse you! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH... (Sandrock uses the twin scythes to squeeze Heavyarms and it is cut in half. Huge explosion!)
DENNIS: Man, I haven't seen anything explode like that since someone dropped a cigarette butt right on the town's fireworks stockpile back in '84.
HOWARD: It all comes down to Bush vs. Gore now.
HILDE: And what's this?
HOWARD: Altron picks up Wing's beam saber and tosses it at Sandrock. Gore wants a duel!
BUSH: I accept your challenge.
GORE: Now we shall see who will be president.
BUSH: I will bring renewed moral leadership to the White House!
HILDE: The two are now locked in combat, each saber cutting and blocking. And those two are really getting it on out there!
HOWARD: Gore cuts, Bush blocks. Bush counters, Gore brings the saber down to block, spin, and make another cut that Bush dodges.
HILDE: There's another cut, and a block. Counterattack, easy dodge. They can't seem to connect.
DENNIS: I haven't seen anything this anti-climatic since FUNimation's version of Trunks vs. Metal Frieza.
HOWARD: Now the two are a hundred yards apart, and here's the charge... OH MY GOD BOTH GUNDAMS' HEADS JUST CAME OFF!!!
HILDE: Something just came out of nowhere, and in a red blur there was a double decapitation!
CLINTON: I have won.
HOWARD: It's Bill Clinton! He's come in Epyon and beaten both candidates!
HEERO: I'll allow it.
HILDE: And Mr. Sleeze will let the battle go to Bill Clinton!
CLINTON: I hereby abolish the Constitution and declare marshal law. I also appoint myself dictator for life of the new Union of Socialist States of America.
DENNIS: Wow, this isn't turning out too good...
(Military guys run into the broadcast booth)
MILITARY GUY 1: There is no freedom of the press. You will destroy all evidence of today's events.
MILITARY GUY 2: Furthermore, Dictator Clinton of the USSA has given us permission to confiscate all military technology possessed by "Politically Incorrect with Relena Peacecraft," namely these Gundams you speak of.
MILITARY CAPTAIN: Ten hut! Soldiers, let's make this as painful as possible.
SOLDIERS: Yes, sir!
(Back in the studio, pandemonium insues. People are running back and forth. Relena is as calm as possible)
RELENA: Well, that does it for today's show. We're, um, going to head down to the Y2K shelter so, um, everybody stay calm. Even though the government knows who you are... where you live... what you are doing right now... oh my God we're all gonna die!
(Runs off the set)
MILITARY CAPTAIN: Move in and take the studio. Come on, let's move move move! Find the perpetrators!
(The end credits move to the left side as the following scene plays out on the right: everyone is huddling around a small candle down in the Y2K shelter. Suddenly the USSA military breaks in and everyone starts running around the studio. The scene plays out in classic Three Stooges style. People run in and out of doors with the military guys chasing the GW crew, the military guys being chased by the GW crew, finally the military guys chasing each other.)
ANNOUNCER: This program was taped before a live studio audience at "I Can't Believe it's Not TV!" Studios in Daytona Beach, Florida and on location in the Mojave Desert in Arizona.
(A tranquilizer dart hits him in the neck and the announcer collapses)
MILITARY CAPTAIN: No, this program wasn't.
(Film is torn)
All that stuff the candidates said during the issue interviews were their real stances, I got them off their websites, so you can't claim I'm biased! Send comments, questions, and anything else to DN641@aol.com.
>> CLINTON: I hereby abolish the Constitution and declare marshal law. I also appoint myself dictator for life of the new Union of Socialist States of America. <<